Tired Saturdays

Shirt: saltandpeppertees Shoes: lifeslittlethrills

Today is a cloudy, rainy day just like the one above, except Dave works and we are not going to an awesome breakfast place or seeing a fountain with blue water. Saturdays are usually hard because even though Dave gets off earlier than most days of the week, it's the weekend and I'm tired. My plan today is to go walk on Main and find a coffee shop or diner where we can get some food. The boys (and I) NEED lots of adventure and new things so one of my new year's resolutions was to go somewhere new every week, even if it's on the same block I've been on plenty of times. I haven't done it every week. Most times it's not intended; I don't keep track. But just having that goal written down pushes me to think creatively.

Saturday is the usual day that the poke in the eye or the kick in the crotch is extra annoying. Most things like that are accidental, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. Saturday is when I'm too tired to do the dishes or run around with my kids. Our play time involves a whole lot of me lying on the floor singing badly to them or dying slowly from punches and body slams. It's a day when I hear them crying and hate everything - including myself for being so imperfect. Or today - David wakes up from their nap after only 30-45 minutes each time and leaves me with lots of unfinished things and uttering the words WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. And then I change one diaper while the other baby takes out all the wipes or finds the one thing that's most harmful in the room for them so I have to stop what I'm doing and take it from him so he can cry and the other one can get away butt naked. Despite all the extremely frustrating, exhausting, and painful things I go through day to day, I still can't get over how cute they are or how much I want to pinch that little butt trying to get away. Yes, I have plenty of days I fantasize about not having kids and all the glorious things I would do with my time, but I can still do most things if I put my mind to it. And I plan on sharing lots of adventures with them as they get older, because they're my best friends. I think moms with young kids have the hardest job out there. I don't know what it's like having older kids and I know there are lots of older people who would quickly rebuttal "Well you JUST WAIT till they're (insert age group hardest for them to parent).
But I am not them! Everyone has different challenges, and I am excited to have conversations with my little friends when they're older. I feel like I'm just talking to myself most of the time.

Hope someone is living it up somewhere new today.

P.S. My kids are screaming at me as I finish this post. 

Ten Months

My little flip-calendar I'm making with ink pens and blank flashcards.

So David and Harrison are 10 months old. They're moving around a lot and the fact that they're getting older still doesn't make me want to have another child. (In case you didn't get the memo-post-fake-memo: I'm not pregnant). But still, I often sit and wonder how many kids I'll have. I wanted five. I've heard many times that having 5 kids is easier than having 2 or 3 - which I can see being true as you constantly have help from the older kids and ultimately have less work to do in that sense. It's tempting to just have the two because I love my little boyfriends so much I can't imagine loving more than 3 boys at once (3 including my husband). I guess I could have a girl, but I wouldn't want more than one. Don't you love how I'm trying to pick and choose my fate?

Sigh... It's hard giving all your love and energy to two people all day every day with the exception of maybe 2 hours. It's amazing, though, that I get the opportunity to completely take care of two other humans who are just learning about this world, and to see how fast the human brain develops in early years. I am the person to fill these boys' beautiful and curious brains - and that is a little freaky. Many times in a day I question my ability to rear these children, let alone homeschool them. It's terrifying! But at the end of the day (most days) I know I can help these humans understand and appreciate the earth and the infinite things you can learn on it more than being in one classroom (or six) all day with some teachers and students their age who's majority won't really care about my kids. So I'm glad we have decided to do this.  Click HERE if you are interested in hearing the perspective of a male who was unschooled. Click HERE if you are interested in hearing the perspective of a woman who, with her husband, decided to take her young children out of school and homeschool them. She also guides you through the stages of learning - The Socratic Method of homeschooling which is based on the Trivium, a method of teaching children according to the phases of a child's cognitive development (concrete, analytical, and then abstract thinking). I plan on using the Trivium as a guideline for helping my kids learn.

But like I said, it's all freaky. Not good freaky, bad freaky. And my vague plan is to not have another babe until we know we are really settled in a place/home and the boys are at least 3 years old. 

Going back to the children I already have...

Taken at the duck pond.

Sometime I torture them with weird picture taking.

Looking at the bees at Ashcombes, a place where we like to get our indoor/outdoor plants (and get ice cream).

Afterbath.

Deciding to explore instead of go to bed.

Harrison still has no teeth but he is showing signs of teething recently. i.e. A fever of 102 degrees... very sad. David is getting his third and fourth - one is on top! They are starting to get into everything that you can get into without walking or jumping (although they ALWAYS want me to walk with them - they are now learning how to walk with me just holding their hand as I carry the other baby), so my chores and hobbies are a little behind what I'd like. The weather is warmer though, so as long as it's not raining we're usually outside doing something which is really the thing that completes my day. What is living if you're inside all day? And the answer to that is: WINTERTIME IN THE NORTH EAST. Alright, let's not think about it. Pretend it's not real. So that's basically our life. Eating, sleeping, trying to find new places and interesting things to see and do, trying to just finish a meal or a movie, or the laundry or a shower, or on some great days a project, and on all days just trying to be happy people.

Crying it out

Having babies on a solid, reliable schedule feels absolutely wonderful. The boys weren't on a schedule until around 5 months. Then we went home to California (3 hour time difference) for 2.5 weeks and it ruined everything. After coming back to PA they woke up every night between 1 and 2 in the morning. One usually wakes up and the other either wakes up afraid of the cries, or we have to wake him up because we can't get the first one back to sleep. It sucked. We fed them, gave them water, burped them, laid down with them... anything to put them back to sleep. They were getting used to eating in the middle of the night again, so they kept waking up.

We asked some of our other friends who have twins how they dealt with this. They swore by the method of letting your baby cry it out. So we knew it had to be done.

The first night I could barely handle it. Harrison started crying and David soon after. There is a lot of anxiety when they are both bawling because they get scared by the other one's cry so it's hard to stop it all without comforting them. Dave handled it pretty well though. He was much calmer than I was. He went into their room and started singing and held their hands. They still ultimately want to see me before they go back to sleep and I couldn't resist anyway, so I went in. I re-tucked them and gave them a toy to chew on (they don't like pacifiers - which is kind of a relief - but they'll chew on those too). They were both back to sleep within an hour I think. A long tearful hour. It was terrible. We checked every once in a while to make sure they weren't hurt or needed diaper changes but we didn't pick them up. 

The next day every nap I put them both in bed once one of them was getting tired. I didn't rock one to sleep and then let the other one get tired and rock him too. I tucked them in their cribs, gave them a toy, sang, and left the room. The less tired one cried for about 15 minutes. Then they were both asleep. That was waaaay easier! A lot less of my time taken and the boys were getting a schedule (the same one at that) and learning to go to sleep on their own. It got easier and they stopped crying so much, and now they are on a predictable schedule. They get tired and hungry at about the same times every day, and that is because I PUT them on a schedule and modify it according to their growth. You don't wait to see what their schedule is. You make it.

And that is another beautiful lesson of (twin) motherhood.

Harrison sleeping in the NICU

Another little thing: My babies sleep WAY better with noise and a warm, steamy room. When the boys first got sick the pediatrician recommended a humidifier to prevent congestion. After we got one we didn't have to pick dry boogers or syringe their noses in the middle of the night anymore. We also got the heating fixed and their room gets the warmest. It's about 75 F in their room at night and we try to always keep it above 70 in the day time. If it's below that they don't sleep as well. If your baby isn't sleeping long those are some things you should keep in mind. It works like a charm.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                       

Eight Months

My boys are seeming less and less baby-like. It helps that they don't have a lot of fat (David just looks like a little kid with his skinny little abs)...

David is not quite crawling yet, but he is dragging himself fast enough to disappear within a minute. He's definitely an explorer. We always have our gate (and our guard) up now. His hair is still a mohawk but it's getting longer...

Harrison is just learning how to crawl and is still perfecting it.  He is already pushing himself into sitting position and trying to stand. So that's scary.

He's just a sweetheart younger brother and I love it.

Thanks Auntie Serenity for the cool mustache shirts! They've used them well. (This is the only picture I could get that wasn't blurry...sorry David won't show his)

They are finally on a great schedule that I hope lasts a couple more months. They take two naps a day, they sleep about 11 hours at night, and they have 4 bottles and 3 meals a day. They have caught up in weight and height and they are learning fast. I feel pretty good and actually proud of myself for having them on the same schedule - and a good one at that. 

Honestly, it's hard as a mom (just as it is in most experiences in life I think) to know what you're doing right or if you're doing ANYTHING right. 

The main thing I have to remember as a mom is to not compare myself or my kids to anyone else (or anyone else's kids). That always destroys my confidence and consistency. When I start to stress about them learning this and that it becomes forced and I can actually see my boys picking up on my stress. The flow is gone. They learn when they are ready. I am not an uptight person and sometimes I wonder if I need to be that type of person to get more things done. But it's actually the opposite! I get more things done when I relax, and if I don't, I'm not freaking out about it. I have to remind myself that I can only do well being myself. Everyone benefits from that. So that has been my main focus recently between all the goals I have and ways I want to live my life. 

Be yourself, be yourself, be yourselffff....

On another note: I am so done with all this snow and I gladly welcome all the birds and bees and rabbits and chipmunks. I just want to go outside with my kids!!! It's pretty hard to take two little boys that don't walk yet out in the snow. So thanks snow, come again... just kidding, don't.

Dizygotic

My boys are dizygotic twins, meaning they are fraternal. Having dizygotic twin boys naturally at my age is very uncommon. Having dizygotic twins usually occurs in women over 35. Male-male being the least common. It is the mother who has the effect on any chance of having dizygotic twins. It was also spontaneous, meaning they don't run in our family. How did this happen? I don't know, but I'm so glad it happened to me.

Because they are fraternal, they were not put in the same bed in the NICU, and this is the first time they have done this:

It lasted for just 40 minutes, and it was beautiful and magical. And they woke up and played.

Things that got us through

Twins are hard. Harder than one baby. Harder to carry, harder to take places, harder to keep asleep at night, harder to feed, harder to bond with (because you have to make sure you have good bonding time with both separately), etc. Here are some things that have gotten us through so far:

Formula:
I know - how terrible of me, right? Well it's hard enough to give enough food to one baby, so two was a challenge. Especially when the hormones in your body set off a bad toothache and suddenly you need a root canal, and then the antibiotics for that root canal give you hives, and because of those hives you need lot of Benadryl, and that Benadryl dried up your milk supply and you can't ever regain that awesome milk supply you started with. So, I am grateful for formula. Also because my babies were premature and needed the extra calories after birth to gain weight. They needed it.

Dave's parents:
They live about 5 minutes away, so they were in the hospital with me through the weekend of hell (birth story coming soon) when Dave couldn't be. We also get to take the boys over there whenever we need a little break, want to go out, or just let the boys have some Nana and Papa time. They have helped us out tremendously, and that is probably an understatement.

My parents:
My mom came out for 5 and a half weeks after I had the twins, and she helped us throughout the night feedings and throughout the hormone-causing spiral of pain and stress (mentioned in Formula section). My dad was able to come out for a few days as well, and spent a lot of time with the boys and did some small repairs on our house. And when we went to California for a couple of weeks for Christmas and New Years they watched the boys almost every day so I could spend time with friends and get out in the sun. My mom and I FaceTime often, and sometimes I do it just so she can virtually watch them while I make bottles or to give them some Grandma time. I'm really grateful for that.

Free bottles from the NICU:
The boys were in the NICU for almost 2 weeks, and in the mother room where you can pump and do other private things, they have drawers full of bottles to take home and store your milk in. You can literally take home as many as you can fit in your bag. We stuffed more in our pockets every day. We just kept those and bought the nipples that fit them at the store. We hadn't paid for a single bottle until they started eating so much we had to switch to the 10 oz bottles. We even got some of those from the hospital too, before the boys were discharged.

The breastpump:
I hate it but I love it. I had to pump after EVERY FEEDING to generate enough milk flow, and to keep a good milk supply in the fridge. They had 8 feedings a day... And while they were in the hospital I had to pump at home every feeding time. It really consumes your day. But I got a lot of reading done, and they were getting my milk. That's all that mattered. Baby Dave refused to breastfeed at about 3 months old. It was really hard for me to accept and I beat myself up about it all the time. I continued to nurse Harrison, and pumped as often as I could to keep giving David milk until Harrison decided he was done too. They got my milk until they were 6 months old. So I'm grateful for the pump because I would HATE if Harrison got all the good nutrients from my milk and David couldn't get any.

Craigslist/friends:
We got most of our baby stuff free from friends or family, or for cheap on Craigslist. We have saved a lot of money that way. We probably spent less money than a singleton mother would (on the one-time costs -- If you need help calculating costs for having a baby in your situation, find out here). Example: We got TWO CRIBS for free from friends. Yeah. Pretty good.


These things have made our life of twins babies easier, more affordable, and bearable.
So if you ever have twins, keep these in mind.

Me and Harrison in the first month or two.

Two Months: Recently Asked Questions

Meine Kinder are 2 months old as of last Monday.

A lot has happened and I haven't recorded any of it, really. Other than on my camera phone. 

But there is so much to catch up on I decided to just answer the most common questions I get, since the rest of you out there probably have similar questions.  Here we go.

Q: Caitlin, is it everything you expected?

A: Well... I don't really know what I expected. I babysat my nephews A TON when I was in high school (I even chose to babysit on Friday nights sometimes when other teenage things were going on), but they were all different ages, and they weren't my children Being around kids and babies so much helped me tremendously with mothering now. In some ways it's actually easier than I would have guessed. Yes it's hard when they are both crying, when my husband works until 9pm, and that I can't breastfeed both my babies at the same time so I have to bottle feed one and breastfeed the other and rotate every feeding. My mothering style had to be a little different than I anticipated because I have two babies. But I've always wanted to be a mother and I love my boys more than anything. It is the hardest thing I've done, but it's also the most enjoyable thing I've ever done. I love my job. 

Q: Do you just NEVER sleep?

A: Once 9 o'clock rolls around I am severely ready for bed, like I can barely stand up or see out of my eyes. Even if I got a nap that day. They have a fussy period usually around then, and then they sleep beautifully. Dave and I get at least 6 hours in a night. We can get a good 4-6 hour solid chunk of sleep before they wake up and want to eat. Dave is awesome and wakes up with me to help me feed them even though he has work in the morning. It cuts out a lot of time - although I still have to pump after so sometimes it is almost 2 hours later when I get back to sleep. And then we get another good stretch of sleep.

Q: Do twins run in your family?

A: They do not. We spontaneously conceived twins and we did not take any fertility drugs. 

Q: How did you deliver them?

A: "Naturally." A nicer way of saying I pushed them out after getting an epidural. And that's a story for another time. 

Q: How far along were you when you had them?

A: 34 weeks and 6 days.

Q: Are they identical?

A: They are fraternal. 

Q: Does that mean identical?

A: Nope. Non-identical. Normal fraternal brothers just conceived at the same time.

Q: Are you going to have any more kids?

A: Absolutely. In time.

Q: Can you tell them apart?

A: Yes. They look completely different.

Q: What is your schedule like?

A: They eat every 3 to 4 hours in the daytime. If they are still sleeping, I get them up by changing their diaper. They usually are awake when I am trying to eat breakfast, and again at lunch. I somehow can usually get a load of laundry or two done and the dishes if necessary. At night we let them sleep as long as they can. We bathe them every other night, sometimes more. 

Q: Where do they sleep?

A: Next to each other, swaddled, in their crib in their room. We will whip out the other crib once they start moving around and crowding each other.

Q: How many diapers do you go through in a day?

A: Around 20.

Q: How long were they in the NICU for?

A: One for 13 days and the other 15 days. It was SO hard leaving them there while I came home to just pump every few hours to bring milk to the hospital every day. I would usually go for 2 feedings, sometimes 3, sometimes 1... It was my time to rest and recover while the boys were getting the care they needed. But it was devastating. I cried every night and called the NICU to check on them at almost every feeding. Then Harrison came home without David and I cried for David every day even though I loved the attention I could give Harrison.

All that stress - plus the hormone changes - gave me a serious toothache and I realized I had to get a root canal. Got that done and they put me on antibiotics, to which I found out I am allergic, so I broke out in hives that increased in volume and severity over a few days. The doc said to stop taking the antibiotics and take Benadryl every few hours. Then that dried up my milk supply and I could barely make enough for one of my babies so I had to increase the formula they were putting in their milk to bulk up. What I'm saying is, July was a hell of a month for me. Thankfully it's over and I am doing much better and the babies are starting to move around and smile and make cute noises. 

Q: Got pictures?

A: Loads.

Left: Harrison. Right: David

David and I.

Harrison milk drunk.

David harnessing his inner Blue Steel.

Chicken Tetrazzini: The first postpartum meal I made. The boys were 8 weeks old.

I started this post 2 days ago in the late morning, and now I am finishing it at 6 am while I pump.  It has taken me this long to get this thing typed out. And now I want to be done.

Do you have any questions I didn't answer?

One Month

My sons are a month old. It was official two days ago but I was too busy and tired to write anything... They are over 7.5 lbs now.

One of my craziest experiences so far was last week when I was alone with the boys in the house. 

I was watching TV (something I hadn't done in a while) and one of the boys started crying. It was David.

It was just about time for them to eat so I decide to grab him and go to the living room where the most comfortable chair is for nursing (it takes them a while to eat and be full... they are still so little they fall asleep a lot). I start nursing David and after only a couple of minutes Harrison wakes up. Now he's crying.

I realize I did not think ahead...

I now have to maneuver David -who has just started to eat and be happy- off the nursing pillow and in a strong football hold in one arm while keeping him latched so that I can go upstairs and get Harrison without disturbing David's mealtime. 

I successfully make it upstairs without disturbing him. And now I'm looking at Harrison...wondering how to retrieve him. I make several attempts at picking him up with my one other arm, and fail. So I decide it is necessary to detach from David. I quickly put him down next to Harrison in the crib and swoop them both up in my arms. I quite literally laughed a loud, triumphant laugh as I carried them downstairs. 

I haven't figured out how to breastfeed both of them at the same time without someone positioning me first, so I set David in his bouncer and get a bottle of my previously pumped milk out and warm it up (slowly heat it in a mug of hot water - thankfully I have a bottle-warmer now) while holding Harrison in the other arm. David is crying when I get back to him. 

Note: When I am alone during the day with them I usually feed them like this:

And they like it. The folded blankets next to them hold the bottles up. 

But only one of them was eating from a bottle this time so I get on the floor and put Harrison on the blanket and latch David again. Then I realize before I can feed Harrison he needs a burp cloth underneath him because the milk runs down his chin. The burp cloth was across the room. So I have to put David down again and grab it. Okay NOW I'm ready. I get David back on and get the bottle in Harrison's mouth and they're off! 

Then it was great.

It's fun. 

...Seriously. I love them.