22

I just turned 22.

Dave and I woke up to feed the babies at 4 am, and he says in a tired moan, "Happy birthday, you've covered a lot of ground this year." It's true, I have. It was hilarious.

I think it'a been 5 years since I tried to celebrate my birthday. Which is why I felt like I needed to do something really fun for my birthday this year. But I like to procrastinate. I had this vague idea of going out with our friends and just partying. What does that even mean? I don't know. I let the time fly by, and suddenly it was the day before my birthday and I didn't know what we were going to do. I was hoping Dave would have something up his sleeve, but since he surprised me with this iMac!...

...a few days earlier, I wasn't sure. (we have been wanting a computer for our home and I've been wanting to take some programming and more graphic design classes online, so Dave thought this would be a good idea. It's great).
I haven't even known what I want for my birthday in years, and I don't really care. The problem with that is when people want to get you things, they kind of have to improvise. Anyway, I didn't make it any easier on Dave, but I did keep asking him what we were going to do. He wouldn't say much, and whenever I asked about our friends Dave and Christi he said they worked on my birthday.

So I decided to be proactive. Instead of sitting around waiting to see what would happen, I started brainstorming and looking up things to do in our town. I've done that before though for date nights, so I kind of knew what to expect. I really tried though. I even went on Pinterest and typed in the search box something like "Birthday ideas." It was all pretty much just food and desserts to make. Blasted DIY cupcakes and what not...  Somehow I didn't feel like spending my birthday making the cake I would be eating and then going to bed, but I found some recipes to try just in case...
I was failing, but it was actually a good day despite the fact that Dave had to work till 9. Plus I figured there has to be SOMETHING planned!

My birthday was on a Saturday, so Dave worked until 5. It was NOT a good day. It was dark and rainy and the babies were awake all day. I didn't really have time to do anything. I don't think I even brushed my teeth - there were other things that were more important to be done. The babies weren't eating well and that made me even more frustrated. I cried a couple times. Then my friend Christi texted me! She wished me a happy birthday and said we would be having so much fun that night. I felt relieved, but then she said she didn't know what we were doing but we would have fun.
I was all angry and stuff when Dave came home and he said Dave and Christi were coming over around 6 and we would go out to eat while his parents watched the kids. I was still a little huffy and it irritated him. I was mostly just upset with myself because I didn't know what I wanted to do! Then he said something that I won't ever forget:

"Happiness is reality, minus your expectations."

Obviously at first I was like whatever DAVE. I went upstairs to pump and when he was putting one of the boys in their crib he said he doesn't know what I want or how to please me, and then he left. Keeping his earlier comment in mind, I remembered that when I was younger and still had birthday parties, I used to do the same thing every year. I had this absolutely PERFECT day in my mind and anything less than that would be a disaster. And I remembered how many times I though it was just not good enough. The last few years of not caring what happened made my birthday great usually. And suddenly in that moment I knew what was going on, and that if I kept acting that way the night would be a disaster.
I decided to change my ways. I stopped being an entitled brat who wanted someone to go inside my mind and find the PERFECT birthday party for me, and instead spent that time just thinking about all the random fun things I always want to do. Bowling seemed like the easiest and laid back thing on the list. I went downstairs and told Dave what I wanted to do and that I just wanted to be with him and relax and have a good time with our friends.

And the night was wonderful.

We bowled a little, but did what we have always had fun doing: eating and playing arcade games. And winning lots of tickets, of course.

You should think about that statement when you're feeling extra entitled. It will make you feel free.

Two Months: Recently Asked Questions

Meine Kinder are 2 months old as of last Monday.

A lot has happened and I haven't recorded any of it, really. Other than on my camera phone. 

But there is so much to catch up on I decided to just answer the most common questions I get, since the rest of you out there probably have similar questions.  Here we go.

Q: Caitlin, is it everything you expected?

A: Well... I don't really know what I expected. I babysat my nephews A TON when I was in high school (I even chose to babysit on Friday nights sometimes when other teenage things were going on), but they were all different ages, and they weren't my children Being around kids and babies so much helped me tremendously with mothering now. In some ways it's actually easier than I would have guessed. Yes it's hard when they are both crying, when my husband works until 9pm, and that I can't breastfeed both my babies at the same time so I have to bottle feed one and breastfeed the other and rotate every feeding. My mothering style had to be a little different than I anticipated because I have two babies. But I've always wanted to be a mother and I love my boys more than anything. It is the hardest thing I've done, but it's also the most enjoyable thing I've ever done. I love my job. 

Q: Do you just NEVER sleep?

A: Once 9 o'clock rolls around I am severely ready for bed, like I can barely stand up or see out of my eyes. Even if I got a nap that day. They have a fussy period usually around then, and then they sleep beautifully. Dave and I get at least 6 hours in a night. We can get a good 4-6 hour solid chunk of sleep before they wake up and want to eat. Dave is awesome and wakes up with me to help me feed them even though he has work in the morning. It cuts out a lot of time - although I still have to pump after so sometimes it is almost 2 hours later when I get back to sleep. And then we get another good stretch of sleep.

Q: Do twins run in your family?

A: They do not. We spontaneously conceived twins and we did not take any fertility drugs. 

Q: How did you deliver them?

A: "Naturally." A nicer way of saying I pushed them out after getting an epidural. And that's a story for another time. 

Q: How far along were you when you had them?

A: 34 weeks and 6 days.

Q: Are they identical?

A: They are fraternal. 

Q: Does that mean identical?

A: Nope. Non-identical. Normal fraternal brothers just conceived at the same time.

Q: Are you going to have any more kids?

A: Absolutely. In time.

Q: Can you tell them apart?

A: Yes. They look completely different.

Q: What is your schedule like?

A: They eat every 3 to 4 hours in the daytime. If they are still sleeping, I get them up by changing their diaper. They usually are awake when I am trying to eat breakfast, and again at lunch. I somehow can usually get a load of laundry or two done and the dishes if necessary. At night we let them sleep as long as they can. We bathe them every other night, sometimes more. 

Q: Where do they sleep?

A: Next to each other, swaddled, in their crib in their room. We will whip out the other crib once they start moving around and crowding each other.

Q: How many diapers do you go through in a day?

A: Around 20.

Q: How long were they in the NICU for?

A: One for 13 days and the other 15 days. It was SO hard leaving them there while I came home to just pump every few hours to bring milk to the hospital every day. I would usually go for 2 feedings, sometimes 3, sometimes 1... It was my time to rest and recover while the boys were getting the care they needed. But it was devastating. I cried every night and called the NICU to check on them at almost every feeding. Then Harrison came home without David and I cried for David every day even though I loved the attention I could give Harrison.

All that stress - plus the hormone changes - gave me a serious toothache and I realized I had to get a root canal. Got that done and they put me on antibiotics, to which I found out I am allergic, so I broke out in hives that increased in volume and severity over a few days. The doc said to stop taking the antibiotics and take Benadryl every few hours. Then that dried up my milk supply and I could barely make enough for one of my babies so I had to increase the formula they were putting in their milk to bulk up. What I'm saying is, July was a hell of a month for me. Thankfully it's over and I am doing much better and the babies are starting to move around and smile and make cute noises. 

Q: Got pictures?

A: Loads.

Left: Harrison. Right: David

David and I.

Harrison milk drunk.

David harnessing his inner Blue Steel.

Chicken Tetrazzini: The first postpartum meal I made. The boys were 8 weeks old.

I started this post 2 days ago in the late morning, and now I am finishing it at 6 am while I pump.  It has taken me this long to get this thing typed out. And now I want to be done.

Do you have any questions I didn't answer?